It's easier to judge when you don't know how they feel or what makes them cry ,
It's easier to think that they are okay, when they really arn't
What hurts more, judging someone, or trusting someone and then being questioned by them, when you try to lwt your guards down with them ?
It's probably the most agony and most uncomfortable feeling when you feel like the world is against you,
and sadly, it is , throughout life you may find people that will fill two hands if lucky that actually do care about you.
Although I feel so lonely, I know everyone has felt this in they're lifetime or they will at somepoint,
its heart wrenching, heavy, disappointing and discouraging .
Every time I allow someone to come a little bit closer I get let down, and disappointed. Mortals will always mislead and misguide you because everyone is out for themselves. Although my happiness comes from helping other people, I have myself in denial thinking that I want anything in return, because everytime I convince myself that I dont, when they do deceive me I end up getting hurt and let down .
Everytime I have ever grown as a person or made something of myself , I became more hated and disliked then I was when I put everyone infront of me, whys that? because everyone else only cares if they get ahead, they dont care if your doing better than them, matter infact they try to destroy it.
My first problem was when I grew up without a father, and a decade ago my father figure died, even than, I was still too young to understand how important the father factor was in my life, so as I got other I always looked for acceptance elsewhere, I always stayed as myself, I just ended up getting acceptance from the wrong people. Too this day I dont know who or what Im trying to get acceptance from, It's a search within myself that has been on going for a couple years ago, recognizing happiness comes from internally, and realizing that the world externally just doesnt care. It's easier for people to judge me, and its always the wrong labels, that don't even fit me , for my personality or my soul , The labels I have heard of are insulting and actually not only hurt my feelings, but I feel hurt as if i viewed myself as that person.
I've always been willing to take the clothes off my back and give it to someone that needed it, take the time out of my day to listen, and give advice if needed, because the love i have internally is allot to give, but now im realizing i need to be selfish, and I dont know how too . The time I should be devoted is when Im older and I have a family, if i ever do, the rate that this world is going, THAT time wont be happening anytime soon.
It's like the nicer you are the more you get taken advantage of , its that because of how i longed and searched for acceptance, or is it actually clinging onto hope that if im still kind too people that one day I'll find another friend that will do the same? or is it just what is expected of this world is that its just smarter, easier, and less hurtful to walk alone, I can say one thing though, My heart has grown fonder, My heart has froze thaw, There has been a bulletproof guard built up that I cannot let down . And I personally dont want to let down and I cant let down. I no longer don't even know how to interact in society because I've become so hurt and scarred from the trials and false faces life has brought me , I no longer know how to have fun and be myself anymore, its like each deceived person has brought me to this limit, and the only individuals who have seen me with my guard down, are no longer there, due to lying to me themselves, or remained my closest friends.
My friendship cant be that complicated? All I ask for is the truth. Everyone seems to end up lying or becoming a liar to try and make themselves seem better for social climbing, social popularity and have more friends, when ultimas in the end the person who trys to gain the most friends looses.
Throughout my life I have longed for acceptance, from parents, a father who was never there, a disability ,and at points nickle and dimes just to try and afford food.
Yet I became "better than everyone," "too good for everyone" when I quit smoking , because no longer could people who I thought were my friends bum off me, or how about when I changed my style and started caring about the clothes I wore in high school, I became a "slut, and whore" even though i wasnt promiscuous, and only had two long term boyfriends in my life, and one whom i was with for a year and never had sexual interactions with !
I cant even bring myself to meet individuals anymore, let alone have a conversation,
because I feel as if the whole world is against me,
It's all about accepting ones self and their struggles and to gain success from that.
So why is that the world is so brought up on greed and selfishness?
Why is it that people get pleasure out of seeing people fall, or to bring them down ?
Why is it that people try to gain power dishonestly, when gaining power is kindness.
Kindness is something the blind can see and the deaf can hear.
I've said good, and I've said bad ,
I've done good, and I've done bad,
I've hurt others, but not as much as I hurt myself,
I cherish moments, But im ashamed of others,
I've learned, I appreciate.
Why should I let the world effect me when I can affect the world?
when I can make a positive change and not a negative?
Why is it that mean people love to bring nice people down , the blame game,
if someone doesnt know me for who I am, then they dont deserve to know me ,
and if you know me, then dont question what you hear...
